Posted by: emilyrfarrell | December 16, 2012

Discovering Grace

I love to read.

 

But my room is full of books that remain unread.

I spend more time watching TV shows on Netflix than anything else that matters.

I skip articles and the like on the internet if they have to many words.

 

I love music.

 

But I don’t actively seek out new music.

I don’t spend my time listening to good music, just whatever is on the radio.

I haven’t listened classical music on my own time in years.

 

I love my job.

 

But I don’t put in the work to do it well.

I avoid doing tasks that I know would make my life and job easier.

I do the minimum and don’t try to change.

 

I love movies.

 

But I don’t like watching movies I’ve never seen before.

I avoid the new experience and fall back on movies I’ve seen a thousand times.

I watch crappy chick flicks that create ridiculous expectations.

 

I love myself.

 

But I can’t make simple changes that will keep me alive longer.

I try and hide things I’m unsatisfied with, but I’m not fooling anyone.

I continue to make decisions that I know are no good.

 

I love my friends.

 

But I can’t make time for them.

If I don’t have the opportunity to see them, I don’t try to connect with them.

I’d rather stay alone in my room all day than try to be with someone.

 

I love God.

 

But I haven’t tried to make that relationship work.

I can’t expect God to love someone like me.

I haven’t tried to spend time with God, but still want him to fix my trivial problems.

 

So what, are these lies?

Do I not love these things? These people? Or am I just constantly letting myself down? Doing things that I know will leave me unhappy. Working against myself at every turn. I know exactly what my problems are, and I know the ways to fix them, at least for the most part. But I don’t. And I’m not sure why.

 

There is so much in this life that I have to be happy about. I have a wonderful job, where I have met so many incredible people. My students are beautiful, even when they aren’t listening. I have incredible friends, some of which have made this move to Maryland with me. In this new life, I can keep old friends, which is such a blessing. I have a family that I brag about all the time. And through the magic of the internet, we can still come together as a family and talk about everything. I have a stable income, a place to live, and means to buy things that I really need/want. I am really and truly thankful for all these things.

 

But as for me, I have so much to work on. Everything about myself makes me feel not worthy of the things I have. And of course, in the great scheme of things, I’m not. And that’s ok. But the concept of grace, the gift that it is, is still foreign to me. So I think that’s step one. Discover Grace.

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